Leave the past behind
by SteadyDecline
Summary: After leaving his drug addicted ex, he must now try to build a life on his own. He must face his demons and learn the he can be worthy of happiness. He doesn't believe that love is a beautiful experience but will the right person be able to show him? Swearing, lemons, past abuse, self-harm, drugs, Yoai, Future SasuNaru
1. Chapter 1

The blonde lay on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, thinking, trying to make sense of what he had seen. He knew he shouldn't have been snooping but he could not help himself, in the back of his mind he knew he was missing something, something was not being said, it was a lie, a secret and it seemed like a never ending cycle with the lies, the forgiveness, the small amount of happiness and then the blonde was left to feel betrayed and depressed. He knew for a long time what his boyfriend was into but as ever optimistic as he was he believed that the bastard had loved him, that he would change for the sake of their relationship. It was always the same though, how many chances had he given him now, six, maybe even ten or more. He lost count, he just never found the courage to leave the arrogant prick for good.

The last time he had left him, it had taken in three days to go running back to him, arms open and a heart full of forgiveness. He had left because the other had refused to quit, the drugs was sucking all the life out of him, the happiness out of their relationship. The blonde sighed as he begun to replay the last few times he had had the courage to pack up and leave. He knew he couldn't keep living like this. He knew his relationship wasn't as bad as it could be but what was the point of being with someone when they were barely even there, well physically he was there but his mind seemed to always be else where or clouded with the drugs. Naruto knew he cherished those moments between the drugs and the drinking when the other was sober, he was kind and attentive but those moments continued to be further and further apart. The blonde started to grow angry, the anger continued to build, making his hands shake and clench, his teeth ground together he could here the front door opening with people laughing, he knew in that moment that his boyfriend had brought home his stoner buddies again.

'Every fucking night they are here, every fucking night' The blonde knew he was about to snap, he couldn't take much more of this, he hated his boyfriends friends, they were useless. They never held down a job preferring to live the life of unemployment while being high day in and day out. It surprised Naruto how the hell they managed to pay for their drugs all the time. He shook his head, he knew that the others drug dependency was expensive, even if he mostly smoked pot, his habit left them with just enough money to cover rent and most weeks they didn't have enough finances to afford a decent grocery shop. The blonde stood up quickly hearing the grating laughs, it caused him to snap, he couldn't stand those fucking laughs while he was pissed off and trying to create a future, a live, his boyfriend couldn't give a shit as long as he got what he wanted when he wanted. God forbid Naruto say anything about the fact that the bills were always overdue, he was sick of eating packet foods, sick of being cooped up in a house that always smelt disgusting. He was just sick and tired of this life.

The blonde quickly made his way to the door, twisting the door handle he slammed the door open not even caring he was going to make a scene in front of everyone. His temper was uncontrollable, his eyes began to blacken around the edges, his eyesight only did that when he was beyond furious. He heavy footsteps coming down the stairs, as he made his way down the last few steps, he heard the friends making jokes about him, saying he was so uptight and he needed a joint to fucking relax. That did it. 'Fuck them, Fuck him and fuck everything'. Naruto stalked over to the kitchen and pushed the door with such violence, it may have cracked under the force. His raging cobalt eyes scanned the room, landing on his source of anger, his eyebrow ticked and his hands clenched seeing the bloodshot and half lidded eyes of his boyfriend. The stance he wore was very laid back, lazy, his teeth ground painfully, making his jaw start to throb but he paid no mind he was livid, how dare this fucking asshole come into their home and have an appearance like this, it made him sick.

"You fucking asshole!" Naruto barely was able to speak without yelling. He noticed then that the friends were lounging around the kitchen going through the cupboards and fridge, making a fucking huge mess that no doubt Naruto would have to clean after they all passed out or left.

"What is up your ass?" The other just looked at him with an eyebrow raised, he looked towards Naruto for a few seconds and burst out laughing. Naruto was shocked he was being laughed at when he was angry, he didn't care if he was high, sober or drunk and high this bastard was getting on his last nerves. He really did not want to get into another domestic fight, that had happened twice already and the cops became involved, was not a pretty sight for anyone. He had thought that his boyfriend narrowly avoiding charges and having broken his arm might have snapped him out of his immaturity but no.

"What's up my ass, WHAT'S UP MY FUCKING ASS" Naruto could not speak all he could do was yell, his chest was burning with the anger rising and becoming more aggressive.

"No need to yell, fuck, calm down, where's all the food?" Naruto just blinked, his face twisted into a feral sneer, he knew this was not going to end without them physically hurting each other but he couldn't just walk away, he knew it was smarter just to walk away, pack a bag and never look back. He couldn't though his anger was to raw, his pain he could not contain any more, he wanted the man in front of him to hurt like he was to be torn in to because he loved him but the other hurt him so deeply, the betrayal left an ugly taste in his mouth and the remorseless radiating off the other, no he couldn't walk away not his time.

"DON'T TELL ME TO FUCKING CALM DOWN, YOU ARROGANT GOOD FOR NOTHING DRUG ADDICT. YOU ARE A DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING AND I HONESTLY FUCKING HATE YOU!" The words were harsh but nearly skimming the surface of the blondes anger and betrayal. The other shot him a look of rage. So the fighting commenced.

"YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT, I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, HOW DARE YOU SPEAK ME LIKE THAT, YOU ARE A GOOD FOR NOTHING SLUT" Naruto hated that word with a passion, he has told the other his deepest darkest secrets and what that word does to him. The last time someone had called him that he had ended up in hospital, the only way he was not breaking down was the anger and the shock that the other had called him that. The shock soon wore off as the anger took over once again, urging to keep fighting, to stand his ground and to become reckless.

"HOW DARE YOU FUCKING CALL ME A SLUT, I HATE YOU, YOU ARE A USELESS, SELFISH ASSHOLE, THAT DESERVES NOTHING FROM ANYONE, I AM NOT TAKING YOUR SHIT ANYMORE, I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF IT, I AM SICK OF YOU ALWAYS BEING HIGH OR DRUNK, YOU'RE NEVER SOBER ANYMORE, IT'S SICKENING LOOKING AT YOU NOW" The blonde heaved after his outburst, he knew he would keep going, he couldn't stand the man in front of him any more, his boyfriend was now a strange to him. The blonde saw the other coming, he fast considering he was high, the stench was so strong when he came closer towards him, Naruto almost gagged at the fowl smell. The fist was directed towards his face, Naruto was by no means a fighter but being in a few fights he had gained a few reflexes, he moved out of the way and brought his own fist towards the other, his punch was not as powerful as he would have liked but he heard the grunt come from the other and felt satisfied that it had done some damage.

He tackled the other and pinned him beneath his body he began to to punch him, he held back, his punches only half the strength of what they could have been. It made him angry that even all the shit this man had put him through he still couldn't hurt him as much as he would have liked. The man underneath him took his half strength to his advantage and pushed Naruto heavily backward, the smack clearly could be heard through out the kitchen as the blondes head collided painfully with the tiled floor. He made a groaning noise as he head started to pulse and throb. The pain moved from the point of impact to surges through out his head. A hand came up to grip his head to stop the painful surges erupting on his skull. His wrist was harshly grabbed and another hand gripped his hair painfully as it lifted his throbbing head and smacked it brutally on the floor. The noise Naruto made was much higher and louder, almost a scream in agony.

His eyes became unfocused and he couldn't see the punch raining down on him, it hit his eye socket , his head bouncing from the floor of the connection.

"You little bitch, you think you can fucking come in here and make a fucking scene" Another punched landed painfully on his face, he could feel the fire radiating from his face, his eyes began to tear up just as another punch landed painfully on his nose, he was unsure if he heard a crack or not because his head was still throbbing to the point he could barely hear anything.

"I'll fucking teach you some respect" Another punch, Naruto faintly felt the pressure leave his body, he left out a small breath before he felt a heavy kick from a booted foot in the side, his body instantly turned in on itself, a defence mechanism. He waited for another kick but it never came, he uncurled his body and made a shaky stand, he gripped the counter to keep his balance, his head felt heavy but light at the same time, his vision kept shaking and unfocusing, his eyes captured the man in front of him, he had walked a few steps over to a bong and was now in the process of lighting it. He could barely hear the bong bubble and saw the clouding begin, his stomach churned whether from the sight of that disgusting bong or the pain in his head.

This was it, he has seen this side of him and was now ready to pick up and leave, he knew it was a stupid idea to confront him, he looked around slowly and suddenly realised that the other people occupying their house had either relocated or left. He made his way to the stairs, his mission was to make it to the bedroom, pack as much as he could and get the fuck out of here, before the had a chance to calm down and try to apologise and stop him from leaving. He couldn't stay he knew he had to leave, for his sanity, for his happiness.

Naruto had many dark secrets, he truly believe he was worth nothing for the longest time, he didn't know what had suddenly changed to make him confront the other and to scream and demand things of him. He finally had some self worth but that could be easily shattered in an instant. Once he had calmed down he knew any self worth and happiness would shattered, he would become depressed and upset. The other man had been in his life for a long time, he was familiar, he was what he called home, considering he didn't have a home to go to any longer.

The stairs were painful but he made it to the top eventually, turning left he slowly walked to the bedroom and closed the door behind him, he locked it quickly behind himself. He grabbed his bags he used for overnight stays and shoved as much clothing in as possible. He load himself off with grabbing his keys, wallet and phone and as quick as he could made it to the front door, he sighed in relieve as the other didn't come up to him but he spoke to soon.

"Naruto, baby wait, I'm sorry, I am so sorry, I never meant for this to happen, why do you have bags?"

"Oh fuck off and go smoke another bong"

"Come on baby, don't be like that, you know I can quit any time, I just do it for fun" Naruto rolled his eyes he had the same speech so many times, over and over again he believed it, he believed the other man and tried to make it work so many times but it always ended up the same. Naruto turned and the other man flinched at the sight of him, Naruto furrowed his eyebrows, he must have looked worse for wear. His face was numb and he gently skimmed his face and could feel the lumps and bumps and also the steady stream of blood coming from his nose and eyebrow, he didn't even notice before now.

"Baby, I didn't mean it, I love you so much, I need you, I need you so badly in my life, you keep me sane, you make me so happy, please don't leave me, I swear I can change just give me a chance, baby?" The blonde knew he could feel himself start to waver on his conviction, he shook his head and raced to his car, his vision was bleary not from his head but from the tears welling up. He tried to shove the keys in the door lock as quick but they kept slipping, growing frustrated the tears spilled over and cascaded down his tanned face.

"Baby?" The voice sounded so much closer than before, he turned his head and the man was standing right behind him, his muscles tensed and his heart beat quickened. He couldn't, no he wouldn't go back to that life once again, he knew this time was the last time. The keys finally unlocked the car and he threw his packed bags in the back seat of his little orange lancer. He slammed the door shut and made a move to the drivers door, he felt the other follow him, Naruto tried to sit in the car but his upper arm was gripped almost painfully, his head snapped towards the other and he just barked out

"Let me go NOW! I am leaving and there is nothing you can do about it, I don't want to be here, I can't do this with you any more, I can't even remember the last time you were sober." He heard a growl and the other's fingernails dug in enough to draw blood. He wretched his arm away and pushed the other back and slammed the door, clicking the locks down and keeping the window up. He plugged his iphone into the stereo, started the car and took off to where he didn't know but anywhere was better than this place.

As he left the house the only thing the other heard was the blondes favourite band playing...

"Tell me where our time went,

and if it was time well spent,

don't let me fall asleep,

feeling emptying again"


	2. Chapter 2

Okay well I didn't really plan the first chapter much, so I left the boyfriend/ex boyfriend as nameless because I was unsure of who I wanted it to be but yeah I didn't want Sasuke as a massive asshole so I didn't make him the boyfriend plus I think Neji fits well as he thinks he is better than everyone and has an air of arrogance to him lol... so here is the new chapter and I am sorry for any mistakes or spelling errors

The blonde had been driving for a while, he drove aimlessly around the city, he didn't know what to do or where to go, he was lost, not in the directional sense of the word but his life was lost. He didn't know what the future held for him and he had already started to regret his decision to walk out on Neji. It hadn't always been like this and he could be sweet and thoughtful when he was sober. The was the key word though when, not only was he high out of his mind from the moment he left the bed to the moment his stoned mind hit the pillow late that evening. Naruto shook his head he couldn't be regretting it already but in some way he was. He felt that he didn't deserve any better, Neji was going to be the best person he could ever be with and with all his faults and addictions he still was a great person, deep, deep down.

They had been together for 4 years, 4 long years, filled with many ups and downs. Everything started out fairly well, Naruto had been seeing someone else when they had first met, the blonde had instantly been drawn to the others eyes, they were such a strange but intriguing colour, such a rarity as well. Naruto had been shy back then, many things in his life had made him retreat into his shell especially when meeting knew people. Neji had been high the first night they had meet but he was still attentive and wanting to know more about the mysterious blonde that had entered his home.

They had talked for most of the night, while Neji had smoked a few cones but didn't really pay much interest in the substance while conversing with the quiet man. As they kept talking Naruto slowly opened up, only in the way were he was more willing to say more than 'yes' or 'no' or just the nod of his head. Naruto's then relationship had been terrible, the guy was nice as anything to him in public but behind closed doors he was a fucking monster. Naruto stayed with him because he had been the first one to acknowledge the blonde and to compliment him. He seemed so nice and dependable, that was until he first time they went to a party, needless to say he was a jealous monster, Naruto couldn't even look at someone else with getting a very harsh 'lesson' when they got home.

Naruto had stayed with him, well because he couldn't explain it but he knew that no-one would want him or possible care about him if they truly knew what had happened, what he had done to himself just to a few moments of sweet nothing. No one could understand unless they thought like him but just happens to be his luck that he has a skewed sense of reality, paranoia is so engrained into the blonde, he finds hidden meanings in people's words and their actions. If someone was joking towards the blonde, he would pretend to laugh it off but deep inside it cut deeply, the words stung and for some reason he could never just see them as a joke.

Maybe that could have been from Him, Naruto will never mention his name or tell his story about what had happened to him. He had explained but nothing in detail, he can't stand the sympathy, the pity in people's eyes, it makes him feel as though he is as disgusting as what they step in, walking down the street. Everything was taken from him, his innocence, his self-worth, everything that makes a person was ripped harshly away from him. He has had trouble trusting people from then on but Neji seemed to be different, he really looked at Naruto like he was the most beautiful human being on the planet and he said the most interesting things. Naruto felt like maybe this time it would be different but the deep rumble of a voice in his head had soon shut that thought down as soon as it popped up.

Now on top the paranoia, Naruto had developed an inner voice, most of the time it was a constant war in his mind. The voice had been with him since the incident, when Naruto had first heard it, it was in the midst of sex with his previous ex, telling him to choke him, break his fucking neck, claw his eyes out, make him scream in pain as the blood rained down and splattered on the walls. Now this had freaked him out to the point where he went stock still, he was watching out of his eyes and his hand slowly moved up to his then partners neck slowly squeezing, just as the pressure had been added Naruto had snapped out of his daze and retreated his hand quickly. He never spoke of that to anyone, he never really had any friends at the time so he could trust no one, if he had of told the doctor then they would have labelled him clinically insane. So he kept that secret for a long time, among many other secrets.

The voice, it sounded aminalistic especially when talking about hurting another or encouraging the blonde to hurt himself, that he would stop screaming and talking if he just did it. Naruto had resisted, he has resisted for so long and that was okay because he could fight it but it was a losing battle, the voice, Naruto refused to give it a name made it less real, seemed to grow stronger, it seemed to pull certain strings before the blonde felt like he was trapped in his mind only being able to watch as his body refused to listen to his mind, at those moments he would always hear a deep, dark laugh that made him want to cower in fear from.

On that particular night though the voice had been very quiet when he was conversing with Neji which was strange but Naruto none the less took it as a blessing. At 5am they ended up in Neji's room laying in bed as Naruto yawned and snuggled into the blankets. Neji had reached over a trailed a hand down Naruto's side and he flinched and moved away. Neji had looked at him with concern but had left it, he had quietly asked Naruto if he could spoon the other. Naruto had nodded his head. Neji had crawled closer and pulled Naruto to his chest, he had felt Neji's desire for him, his dick poking him, standing tall and proud. This had made Naruto nervous he wasn't sure if he could trust Neji yet, so he laid there awake the whole time, as Neji's soft snores could be heard and the breath could be felt of his shoulder.

The song changed while Naruto had been lost in his thoughts...

"You tried to lie and say I was everything

I remember when I said I'm nothing without you"

Naruto hated this song at the present moment, they had found this song had been a bitter sweet song and they had done the cute couple thing and named the song theirs. Now the song had a different meaning for the blonde, it gave him courage to keep going, gave his a different outlook on a few things. Songs had that effect on him, they could alter his mindset, his mood everything. He may not know this but in the end he would be okay.

"Will I ever find anyone to truly accept me and love me, was he right when he said I am nothing and no one will ever love me" Naruto screamed in the car he hated feeling like this, he hated feeling worthless but what was he supposed to think when the people who were meant to love him, degraded him, called him hurtful names, what was he supposed to think.

Naruto continued to scream as loud as he could, he knew he should be concentrating on the road but he just couldn't help himself he was so raw, his heart had broken, his mind was a mess and the voice would NOT JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. Naruto considered going back on the medication they had prescribed him but what was the point, sure he got a couple more hours sleep but then what, he was so zoned out all the time he could barely function in the real world. Another feral scream ripped through his sore throat he didn't care how his throat protested the harsh use of it, he didn't care that he could have a car accident, he just didn't care.

His iphone stopped playing the music and started to ring, he looked down and wished he hadn't, it was a picture of Neji while his name was across the screen. He couldn't handle this any more, he didn't know where to go or what to do, then a thought struck him, maybe just maybe his old friend would be able to help. He quickly grabbed his phone trying to find his old friends number, he hadn't been concentrating on the road and nearly swerved into the gutter, he decided it was best to pull over. The hit the call button and listened to the steady ringing, his heart squeezed tighter as it continue to ring.

"Hello"

"Hey Gaara, it's me Naruto" he voice sounded so nervous and he knew it broke a few times.

"Naruto... is that really you?" It had been such a long time since they had spoken, they had lost contact thanks to Naruto's previous ex. Naruto let out a breath it was nice to speak to Gaara after all this time.

"Yes, it's me, I need your help, please Gaara, I am out of options, I don't know what to do, I just..." Naruto ended up breaking down on the phone he hadn't meant to but the situation was slowly daunting to the blonde. All he had what was in his car and his car, no where to live, hardly any money and no boyfriend.

"Naruto, calm down, What's going on? Did Neji do something to you again?" The way Gaara had said Neji's name dripped with venom, he hated the pompous drug fiend. The guy was just way to absorbed in himself to see the damaged he had down to Naruto while he continued to party and take drugs with those dickhead people he called friends.

"I walked out on him, I just... It got too much for me... we got into a fight... I think... my nose is broken" He heard a growl rip through the others throat when he explained his nose broken, he didn't want to go into too much detail because Gaara would see it anyway.

"Where are you now, are you alright to drive to Konoha?"

"I am still in Musa... I really don't know, Gaara"

"I'll drive out. I'll bring a friend to drive your car, there in 30 minutes" The phone call ended and Naruto let out sigh, he hated depending on people, especially after the last time Neji and Naruto broke up, that is how he lost his only friend in Musa. His friend had told him to fuck off because he had went back to Neji for the 4th time, he had said he couldn't stand back and watch Naruto get hurt any more and he wouldn't. He had refused to answer any of Naruto's calls or texts and even the door. Naruto had fallen into a steep depression after that, he had attempted suicide from the loss, even though he was with Neji, he felt so empty.

As he felt now, the hollowness of his chest, it felt so empty. Naruto wanted to cry and mourn for the loss of his relationship but his eyes were locked, no tears were going to fall from them. It was almost as if the poor blonde was in shock, he had expected this day to come but it didn't hurt any less. He could never understand why he would choose drugs over him, was it his fault? Did Naruto drive him into drugs or did he enable him in some way? The blondes head was pounding in steady rhythms, each pound hurt worse than one before, his chest started to hurt. Gripping out his chest, painfully tight to try and relieve some of the pressure but no relieve came. His breathing started to increase, in short gasps of air. It was an anxiety attack, he had them but very few only once in a blue moon would he have one.

His eyes narrowed onto anything he could concentrate on, any technique he had been taught to stop his racing heart and mind. It mostly came from his mind when he over thought and was in a highly stressful situation. He had to gain control of his mind again but he saw it was going to be a difficult task as the voice liked to hinder him at all costs.

_'No one is going to love you, you are going to be alone, all alone... poor Naruto, what a stupid little boy, who would love such a disgusting being such as yourself, Neji didn't love you he just used you when he needed you and you were such a good little slave, weren't you? You liked being treated like that, your a sick fuck, you are fucked up, no one will want you, no one will love you"_

Naruto could hear the thoughts he hated this the most, the paranoia was hard enough, the mood swings were just bearable but the voice, it knew what to say to hurt him the most, make him vulnerable so the voice good slowly poison his mind, to control. He couldn't let him though, he had been having a good run the last two weeks, only his moods seemed to be uncontrollable but they were manageable, that was until today when he was beyond furious, it was as if a demon had possessed him.

His breathing was making him dizzy, the oxygen was beginning to become non existent. The blonde had to fight, how much longer did he have to fight, how much longer did he have to endure, to find the supposed happiness that he was destined to have.

_'you aren't meant to be happy, your nothing but a waste of space, no one wants you here, you should of finished the job last time but no you couldn't even manage that, pathetic, weak, disgusting, shameful, disgrace, ugly, unwanted, pathetic.'_

It was becoming harder to concentrate on anything but the voice, his breathing was making it difficult to fight, too many problems were happening at once for the blonde to handle the only thing he could think of was to blast the music so he couldn't hear anything at all, hoping it might distract him and drown the voice out at the same time. The guitar streamed out of the car stereo, it was deafening how loud it was, this would be his escape or so he could only hope.

"Can't you see,

What you don't wanna believe,

Can't you see,

If loving you was so right,

Why did it feel so wrong?"

The song was almost inspiring the band was amazing, the lead sin. A skylit drive was one of the many bands that Naruto preferred to listen to, music was an escape, the music made him feel things that he never thought he could feel, music was a whole other world. His breathing slowly restored to ragged deeper breaths, the pain in his chest became bearable. It still hurt like a fucking bitch but at least it wasn't disabling.

His phone began ringing again, he picked the device up and observed the caller id, he groaned in exasperation, why couldn't Neji leave him the fuck alone, what more could the bastard do to him or worse he would beg and plead Naruto to come back, the blonde was no where near the point of being able to refuse him, the wounds were still so unbelievably fresh. He hit the ignore button, his breathing start to pick up pace again but he soon gained himself under control before anything got out of hand again. He rest his tired head on the steering wheel letting the music drift through him and put his aching body to a almost limbo state.

His phone continued to ring, he just continued to hit the ignore button, until the name of a certain red head popped up, he quickly answered. The conversation was short, Gaara was not too far from where he had pulled over, plus with Naruto's car it was not that hard to spot, not many people drove a bright, neon orange car. Not even 10 minutes had passed by when he saw Gaara on his bike, someone was sitting behind him, he couldn't tell who it was. He let out a small smile, he needed a friend right now, he knew he was weak and couldn't do this on his own. He had a feeling that if he was to deal with it on his own he would go running back to Neji within the next few weeks.

Gaara pulled up behind him and got off the bike, the redhead was still as short as he remembered him but despite his height or lack there of he was intimidating, the tattoo only added to the fierceness of the pale boy. Naruto watched him casually stroll over to his car through the rear view mirror. His door opening as the red head pulled him out of the car, not exactly gently but the other didn't mind he was just glad he had come to collect his pathetic ass. Gaara pulled him into a hug, it wasn't exactly tight but the gesture was greatly appreciated, his his glistened but he swallowed thickly to keep from crying yet again.

_'Do you really think he cares, he hates you like everyone else'_

His teeth grit, his stupid demon as he like to call him always knew how to ruin a good moment for him. Gaara quickly told him he could ride on his bike to feel more comfortable since he didn't know the other all that well. The blonde just nodded and followed the pale boy. As they approached the bike the other took off their helmet, the blonde cringed seeing raven hair and a pale complexion but on further observation he realised it had not been who he thought it was, so the panic died. The other shook out his hair, the blonde was amazed considering the raven hair still managed to stick out at odd angles but then again he shouldn't have been surprised his golden hair did the same no matter what happened to it.

The blonde didn't know what to do but luckily Gaara stepped in.

"Sasuke, Naruto.. Naruto, Sasuke" The red head pointed at one and then the other. The raven shook his head and held up a hand in greeting, the blonde said a soft 'hello' grabbing the helmet during the exchange.

"Sasuke will drive your car okay?" It was more of a statement but he knew Gaara was still asking his acceptance, he just nodded placing the helmet over his head and sat on the bike he really wasn't up for conversation and he didn't even know this Sasuke person but if Gaara was hanging out with him then he obviously wasn't that bad. Gaara joined him on the bike, wrapping thin tanned arms around the others form, he idly thought that Gaara had gained a lot of muscle in his absence, they took off towards Konoha.

Towards his new life, he couldn't help but wander if this was going to be a fresh start or would it fall apart like it always does.


	3. Chapter 3

As the days passed on Naruto become comfortable with living in Konoha, his phone had rang off and on for the three days he had began his new life. He was determined to ignore Neji but some how he always wound up listening to the voice mails or answering a called and quickly hanging up before he spoke a word. The voice mails consisted of either a drunk Neji ranting that he would never find anyone better than him or to the other extreme of him trying to mask his crying saying that he missed him and he can come home when he is ready. What broke Naruto's heart the most was the short text message, I love you, I miss the sunshine you brought into my life.

He still hadn't texted Neji back, he knew if he made contact with him his resolve could waver. The pain in his chest hadn't lessoned any but it had only been three days. Gaara lived in a two bedroom apartment so the blonde was lucky to have his own room and not have to bunk on the couch. Gaara lived alone Naruto did not need to ask why, he knew the short red head for many years and knew he had a difficult time getting along with people, he could not imagine him living with anyone. Naruto lay staring at the ceiling he had a blank stare of his gorgeous features, he missed Neji terribly. When you lose someone from your life your brain tends to focus on all the good times you had and not why you left that person in the first place.

The blonde was at a loss of what to do with himself, he had to quit his job and university would have to managed, it was a lot to travel back to his previous home town. Plus he was a little happy if he could get accepted into Konoha University with Gaara at the very least he would know someone on campus. A knock was heard, the blonde sighed and shifted into a less depressive look, he did not want to worry his friend about his mental state at the moment but some how the other knew it was declining slowly. The swung slowly open, the hinges slightly creaking as the other leaned casually against his doorway, his teal eyes boring into the blank blue gems.

"Are you hungry?" His eyebrow lifted and the silent question was understood, some times Naruto was grateful the red head was a man of few words, so the awkward conversations could be avoided to an extent. He knew he had to eat something, he had only managed to eat half of his dinner on his second day here. The red head would tie him to the chair and force feed him if he had to.

Gaara had been apart of Naruto's life when he went through the worst of it, he flew of the rails after a few life events. The blonde was not mentally or emotionally adapt to handle these types of situations so he had expressed his pain in different ways or coping mechanisms were used when his mind became too much for him.

"Yeah, I'll eat something" Gaara gave a short nod and walked away leaving the door open and the blonde to stare out into the lounge room. The apartment was a decent size considering the location and the price. Thinking of the apartment Naruto needed a job to support himself and start paying his share. He hated relying on other people for financial support. He didn't have to be rich just able to pay his dues and get by. He had yet to discuss with Gaara what would be happening if this was a long term option or a short term option. He would discuss with the other hopefully over dinner, he knew it hadn't been long but Naruto surprisingly enough liked to organised and to know the answers to his questions, plus he did not want to inconvenience his friend if he didn't want him here long term.

The blonde sighed, slowly moving his aching body to stand, his eyes shifted around the room to the corner that held his messy pile of bags, he hadn't bothered to put anything away or organise any belongings until he had discussed with the red head. His phone vibrated against the bed side table, he looked over and groaned. It was Neji, again. He let it ring out until the annoying vibrating shut off. He delicately picked up his phone, almost as if the device could burn him. He unlocked the screen and his breath caught, 20 missed calls and 12 new text messages all within the space of 4 hours since he had looked at his phone last. His chest began to throb and burn when the weight of his decision began to crash down on him. His emotions were so irrational at the moment, it would go from one extreme to the other, the prime emotions were undiluted anger to a heart wrenching sadness.

He wanted these extremes to calm down but he didn't know how to stop them, when a big life crisis or change happened to him, he usually ended up in hospital for some reason or another. He hoped that this would not be another one of those times.

Two days had passed and the blond had finally organised his things, his clothes all put away according to draws, his shoes lay neatly at the bottom of the wardrobe. A small smile crossed his lips, it was beginning to feel like home and he liked that feeling. His moods hadn't changed since the past two days, it seemed like the cloud hanging over his head was only getting darker. At the bottom of one of his bags he found the medication he had been on previously to help with the voices and psychotic episodes he had. The blonde had placed them inside his top draw of his bed side table, at the moment he thought maybe he should start taking them again just to help so he wouldn't do anything crazy.

He opened the draw and stared at the pink pills, he hated taking medication it always made him feel his craziness was real. He ran a tanned hand through his bright hair sighing as he made his decision. He grabbed the packet and popped a pill, swallowing it without any water. The effect would not be instant as it was a slow working medication. He slowly got off the bed to shower and get ready for the day but all he really wanted to do was curl up in bed and hide away from the world.

As the blonde walked out into the lounge room after his shower, jeans hung low on his hips and only a towel was hung around his shoulders, his hair still slightly damp. He froze when he saw that Gaara was not alone, a blush crept up his neck and heated his face. The guy that had driven his car home that night was lounging on the arm chair with one leg crossed over the other, his head hanging in his hands, a very lazy look. Dark coal eyes flicked over to the new entrance into the room, his eyes quickly looked over the blonde and looked away. The blue eyes had missed the look over from being so engrossed in his own thoughts. Naruto could not remember his name for the life of him and he was slowly getting worked up from being shirtless in front of a new person, he was not very confident in his body.

_'he thinks your body is disgusting, he is probably laughing inside his head and how fat and ugly you are' _

The blonde visibly winced, it hurt what the voice had said, it hit all his sensitive spots with deadly accuracy. The raven saw the wince and his brows knitted together ever so slightly. Before anything more could happen the blonde bolted into his room and slammed the door shut, locking it with a expert click. The voice had begun in a slow, lazy drawl but now it was becoming more intense to a yell.

_'YOU ARE PATHETIC, you know you want to do it, just do it it will make you feel so much better. Do it, do it, do it'_

Naruto was so angry, at the voice, at himself and the fact he had been seen half naked by someone he didn't really know. He walked slowly to his bathroom, his eyes becoming duller and the world seemed to be playing out like a movie. His concious felt like it was being pulled back inside of himself so he didn't have control of his body but it still moved on it own accord. He reached the bathroom and he saw his tanned hand reach out and close the door, locking it as well. His blue eyes looked towards the mirror and he could see his expression, it was a dark smile that he knew was not his own. It terrified him when an episode was happening, when they first occurred it had been like blacking out, he would lose spaces of time but now he witnessed every horrible thing he would do.

The shaver sitting on the counter looked so innocent but Naruto knew better, he tried to regain control but it felt like he was stuck in quick sand and the more he struggled the more the other took over. He saw himself reach for the shaver picking it up and running his thumb over the sharp edges, the skin tore and blood seeped out of the small wound. The blue eyes looked up, the tears had spilled over the edges.

"What's the matter? This is what you deserve" A horrible laugh ripped through his throat. It was always a shock to his lips move with words that weren't his own. His hands snapped the covering of the shaver slowly peeling a razor blade out. Such a tiny, flimsy piece of metal that could inflict so much damage. His arms had the worst damage inflicted, he hated that when he cut it was mostly his arms it was difficult to hide them compared to legs or stomach. His fingers tightened around the small metal, he fought mentally to gain control, he didn't want this any more. He wanted to have scar free skin he was just a little lucky he was tanned so it was harder to see compared to pale skin.

His hand trembled with the waging war in his mind, the tears fell is rapid streams, he wished he was normal that he was alone in his head. The razor blade moved closer to his arm and before he could gain his control back, he watched as it tore into his skin, barely a second later a thick stream of blood coursed down his arm, in that second he had known he lost the battle for control. His demon had one again, the blonde felt pathetic as all he could do was watch on as his skin tore and his blood spilt. 5 deep cuts later, he felt the grip lesson and his feeling of his limbs come back to him, it started with his hand that held the object of destruction he dropped as if it had burned him, it made a small noise as it hit the sink.

His other arm he gained feeling and almost screamed at the pain the coursed through his arm, in those moments he never felt the pain until after. He knew it was bad because it was so painful but at the same time it was beginning to become numb. The blood hadn't stopped and continued to flow freely, it hadn't even begun to clot. The blonde went into a panic, the cut were deep and the blood wouldn't stop, his eyes became fuzzy, the edges dulling as his head spun. His good arm gripped the sink to help lower himself onto the toilet. There was blood every where, all over the sink, some had managed to spray onto the mirror, down his arm and clothes and chest, a big pool of it mockingly spreading on the floor.

His gripped his head as he burst into a hysteria, his crying was loud and unrestrained. The noises he made were so full of hurt and hopelessness, he felt like he was pathetic, he almost wished the demon had just killed him and put him out of his pain but no the demon would never do that for him it was too easy plus he liked to toy with him. He heard a faint banging but his sobs completely took over him, the more he cried the more he felt his world sway and slowly fall away from him. The was a large crashing noise as the blonde fell face first into the tiles from passing out.

The bedroom door crashed open, Gaara had kicked it down, he knew that look on the blondes face, the panic and pure fear. He ran the short distance to the bathroom door and turned the knob finding it looked he turned it viciously hoping it would just open but it didn't, there was only one option, he raised his foot and kicked as hard as possible and the door flung open. He looked at the scene the lay before his teals eyes he almost gagged at the amount of blood, it was just not natural to loss that much unless from a major injury. He saw the blonde laying there unmoving, he rushed towards him kneeling in the blood that quickly soaked into his pants but he paid no mind to that.

He shook the blonde and rolling him onto his back, he saw the others eye lids closed and he was covered in blood, he raised the arm and looked at the bloody appendage, he could see the deep cuts and he was instantly angry. He knew what his friend was going through he had been there through the worst of his episodes and illness.

"Sasuke, ring an ambulance" He called to the other in the house as he grabbed the hand towel and pressed it firmly onto the bleeding cuts. The hand towel was soaked in a few minutes, this was not good the bleeding would not stop and it was coming out incredibly fast. He faintly heard someone behind him and then the voice of the other.

"Can we please get an ambulance... he is unconscious and the bleeding heavily" The voice sounded calm even given the situation, even Gaara was rattled at seeing this. He didn't hear the rest of the conversation only what Sasuke had said directly to him.

"The ambulance will be here in a few minutes" Gaara didn't even acknowledge what the raven had said but the other knew he had heard him. Sasuke was unsure of what to do in this situation, he saw so much blood and he flinched at the sight of the blonde, he was bloody and lifeless, laying in a massive pool of his own blood.

Within a few minutes they heard loud knocking on the front door.

"It's the Konoha emergency services" Sasuke had rushed to the door as soon as he heard the knock, as the emergency worked finished speaking the door was yanked open and Sasuke had started talking.

"He is through here, the blood hasn't stopped" He walked quickly to the bathroom and was followed by two people with a stretcher, he reached the scene and began their work immediately. Within a few minutes they had lifted the blonde onto the stretcher and were applying pressure to the wounds. They would assess it at the hospital.

The blonde felt his concious slowly returning to him, his eyes cracked open and instantly a headache was throbbing in his skull, the light burned his eyes. He felt pain radiate from his arm, it burned as well. He felt something attached to his other arm. His ears picked up the sounds of constant beeping. He groaned and opened his eyes again but this time let them adjust to the light. His blue gems shifted over the boring white room, to the machines and finally to his aching arm.

He saw the bandages wrapped from his wrist to his upper arm. His eyes instantly watered as he registered what had happened. His mood instantly dropped, his shoulders slumped and his body tried to compress as small as possible. He heard a throat clear and looked over shocked that someone else was in the room. He his focused on shockingly red hair and angry teal eyes, his gaze instantly dropped to the floor and the tears spilled over. They were silent tears, he hated himself, he truly hated himself.

"Naruto, look at me" Naruto just sat there unmoving letting the tears free fall without wiping them. Gaara sighed as he reached a hand over and placed it on the blondes thigh. He felt the muscle stiffened underneath his touch and the small flinch. He let a deep breath in and out before trying again.

"Naruto please, we need to talk or they are going to have you locked up in a psych ward for at least a week for observation" The blonde hated those places he had been in them a few times before, the last time he had been placed in one he had been released on a day release to visit his 'family' and he had taken off without a trace, only to return a few days later and told them if they put him back in he would never come back. Gaara had told them that he would keep watch and look after the blonde. They were not convinced but after an hour of discussing and the blonde flipping out saying he would not do some pleasant things to the staff, he hadn't meant them but he had just snapped, he didn't want to be there he hated it, it made him more crazy then he already was.

"Please no" The fear in the others voice shook Gaara to the core, he knew it wasn't an option or Naruto might really kill himself or disappear without a trace, he didn't want either, Naruto had finally left that fuck head of an ex boyfriend, he had his whole life ahead of him and as selfish as it sounded the red head had just gotten his best friend back after that bastard had banned them from seeing each other.

"I know, so talk to me" The blonde shifted uncomfortably, Gaara would understand what he was saying when he used code words or didn't really explain details.

"It got too much, he got too much" Gaara nodded exactly who he was.

"I think for know, you need your medication and to see someone.. just for now" At the mention of having to see a professional the blonde winced, he hated everything like that, it all made it real for him. If he didn't take medication or see anyone he could pretend it didn't happen, he knew it was stupid but he hated being looked at like he was crazy or he was pathetic. So far his life in Konoha was not the greatest he had already fucked up and now he didn't know how to fix his life.

"Why am I like this" it was barely said above a whisper but the red head had heard it, he truly hated the fact that the blonde had his illness caused by a situation he couldn't control. That particular issue they never spoke about but Gaara could see how it affect his daily life, his relationships and his outlook on life and reality. Gaara could not fully understand why the blonde thought like he did, he was a very good looking guy, he had beautiful caramel skin, even though it was littered with scars they faded into his skin to disappear only to be seen when looking for them, he was a lithe build, not full of muscle but the look suited him well, he was short that made him cute, his blue eyes captured you with the raw emotion on display and the stunning colour of them, he had seen blue eyes before but never this type of intensity of a blue, vibrant blonde hair the glittered in the sun and three whisker marks on each of his cheeks, it made him look like a gorgeous fox, as strange as that sounded.

Gaara could say nothing to what the blonde had asked, he wasn't sure the blonde really wanted an answer at all, he just gave his leg a light squeeze reassuring him that he was here. They sat in silence for a long time before a soft knock came from the doorway, both their heads whipped around to the entrance almost in shock that someone else was here, the blonde instantly crumpled in on himself it was the guy from the apartment, he still hadn't learnt his name.

"I just wanted to check you were okay" The blonde jolted at his voice, he came to check if he was okay even though he had only seen him twice and didn't know a thing about him. The blonde looked at him confused then he instantly regretted looking at him, he wasn't sure what he could see in the others eyes but to him it didn't look good so he chose to stay silent and look away.

"It's fine if you don't want to talk to me" The blonde just laid there still he couldn't find any strength to speak to the raven man, Naruto would have been amused in the situation wasn't like this. Sasuke had seemed to have read his mind.

"I'm Sasuke, in case you forgot" The blonde pouted at the fact that he had caught him out, he was terrible with names he couldn't help it. He raised he head slowly and poked his tongue out, he didn't know why he did but it happened, his nervous slowly ebbed away and the paranoia was kept under lock and key this time.

"Dobe" The blonde looked at him weird, then the translation must have clicked and his teeth grit painfully hard as he glared at the other, he could feel the terrible anger licking its way towards the surface. He quickly studying the others face it had a smirk on his lips but his eyes were glittering, they were not narrowed just amused. The blondes anger was still there but it eventually began it dissipate back to its chest. The one word the blonde knew in Japanese was...

"Teme" The raven snorted and just stood there leaning against the door frame in a light stance that didn't feel threatening to the blonde, the red head just looked on finding it amusing the blonde relax around some one new and not only that some one who had seen him so vulnerable but he kept his thoughts wisely to himself. It was good that Naruto was interacting with other people, Sasuke was a good guy, he cared and was compassionate, even though he hid it under insults and arguments, if he didn't care he would completely ignore you, it was strange the raven did seem to care enough to make his way down here just to check Naruto was okay, this whole day was exhausting.


	4. Chapter 4

A busty woman, with curves all in the right place and two blonde low pigtails tapped on the door, the teenager lying in the hospital bed looked over and sighed he knew from the clothes she was a psychiatrist come to assess his mental health to see if he could go home or had to be admitted to a ward. He cringed at the thought of having to be placed in one again, he hated them more than anything in this world, they were boring and completely miserable. They made you have group therapy, have group activities that were absolutely stupid and then you had to have individual counselling sessions. He knew they had a purpose but he hated them, he felt worse when he was holed up inside one.

The bust woman took a seat in a plastic chair next to the bed, she flicked one of her pony tails behind her shoulders and cleared her throat. She clicked her pen writing something quickly in both corners, Naruto assumed it was his name and today's date.

"Hello Naruto, My name is Tsunade, how are you today" Her tone was light, it wasn't condescending just filled with a tone that some how managed to soothe the blonde, usually when a person would be talking to him about these things he would fly off the handle from just even their tone of voice. Some psychiatrists were condescending and rude, they spoke to their patient like they had the intelligence of a two year old.

"Hi" he intelligently mumbled. He didn't want to talk about why he had done this all he wanted to say was to let him go home, he was fine. At least until the next episode struck, maybe he should think about asking for his medication again, taking them couldn't do any more damage and then if it seems like he is trying to help himself she might let him go home.

"I have spoken to your room-mate... who was it... Gaara, he has expressed his concern for you and the option of sending you to a ward, he was vehemently against the idea, saying that you would do worse than better. Now I am concerned for your safety given the wounds on your arm. You had to have 57 stitches" It was more said as a fact rather than anything, the blonde winced at the number of stitches he had really done a number on himself this time.

"I don't... I can't go to a ward" he managed to say through a tight throat, being constricted by the sobs trying to escape, he swallowed them back down hurting his already sore throat. His fingers clenched into a fist, gripping the blanket to stop the shaking from racking his body. The tremors still came, coursing through his entire being.

"It might be the only option" At that the blonde whipped his head up he didn't care that the tears were falling, his blue eyes were wide with fear as he stared straight into the honey brown eyes of the older woman. His hands shook unbelievably and his trembling increased so the bed made noises of protest at being moved so quickly. He couldn't believe it, he had to get out of here now, he had to run, to leave anything but being admitted into a ward again. The tears fell thick and heavy he felt so tired, the events past seemed to catch up to him. His hand moved from the bed sheets to his soft hair and gripped hard, his knees automatically drew up into his chest as he his body rocked against his will. His sobs were no longer silent any more.

The older lady looked at the teenager with a mix of empathy and understanding, she knew not all people benefited from being placed in a ward but at the same time it was procedure and considering the boy didn't have any parents and only lived with a friend she was unsure if she could risk sending him home if another incident happens. First she must find out why and exactly what plagues the blonde to want to commit suicide and have such horrible gashes up his arms. She placed a soft hand hand on his shaking shoulder trying to show comfort without crossing a professional line.

"Naruto, it's okay, I want to assess you first nothing is set in stone. Talk to me and we may be able to work something out but if you don't want to talk to me I will have no choice..." the sentence was left hanging in case it set the boy off even more, the shoulder beneath her touch was still shaking and the sobs were still loud. She heard a deep breath while as deep as his heaving chest allowed through the tears and then a heavy sigh escape the same mouth.

His head started rise and she saw the bright blue eyes shining with the tears still cascading down his whiskered cheek, they seemed to be silent tears for now. He slowly nodded his head refusing to look at her or even in her general direction. He had been through enough of these processes to know that if he just sat there and didn't engage in conversation then he would without a doubt be sent to a ward. The older woman saw the younger blonde start to calm down so she removed her hand and sat slowly onto the uncomfortable plastic chair beside his bed, she noted that he didn't once look over her way.

"Now Naruto I am going to tell you my name again and we can start this over again, is that okay" His head barely nodded as she watched the tears fall and soak into the thin hospital blanket. She breathed a small sigh of relieve and made herself comfortable, well as comfortable as possible in these horrible chairs. She brought her notepad and clicked her pen in, she saw the other flinch at the sound out of the corner of her eye.

"My name is Tsunade and I am the hospitals psychiatrist, we are just going to start with the simple questions so your name is Naruto Uzumaki and your currently 20 years of age?" the other nodded his throat still course from crying. His continued to stare at the thin blanket covering his frame, Tsunade's honey trained eyes watched for every detail, every muscle movement to help her diagnose this young man.

"Have you lived in Konoha long?" The blonde nodded, then shook his head, he had lived in Konoha for a long time before moving away with his psycho ex boyfriend, now he had just moved back to his home town. "So you have but you haven't" a nod from the blonde, "Can you explain what you mean by this Naruto?" The blondes eyes looked up and straight ahead not daring to flick over to the the trained professional assessing him, his eyes always gave away so much about him, so he had learnt early on to never look them in the eye because they were able to spot his lies and his emotions, he mentally cursed his expressive eyes they betrayed him in situations like these ones.

"T-" He only managed to whisper the letter before his voice broke and was lost, he cleared his throat quietly and coughed a little, trying to let sound escape through his mouth. He wanted this over now, he wanted to just go to his temporary home and be in his own bed. He tried again this time it came out just above a whisper so Tsunade leaned a little closer to the patient.

"This is my home town, I moved away for a few years now I am back" He sighed as the words were able to escape. They tore at his already abused throat but he resisted the urge to clear his throat or move to soothe the pain. "I see that in your file, it seems this is not your first time in the emergency department" Naruto looked straight down his scars on his arms were visible to him, they almost mocked him at this very moment in time. He was starting to get angry at himself, how could he have been so stupid to land himself into this mess, fuck everything, everything can go to hell.

_'That's right, you should have just finished the fucking job but no you are just so pathetic that you can't even manage that, now you are going to be locked away with all the other crazy people'_

His tan frame tensed and started to fold in on itself, he couldn't help it, his demon always knew how to get to him, how to tear him down one hurtful, truthful word after another. Tsunade noticed the change in the blondes demeanour, her eyes flicked to the open file she had on her lap, she saw the notes of the previous visits one thing that seemed to leap off the page,

_'The patient seems to exhibit signs of schizophrenia, the patient describes a voice (demon) inside of his head telling him to commit certain acts towards himself and others, he explains that it is difficult to resist and the voice is rarely quite, he feels that he seems to share his mind with another'_

Tsunade knew from a number of patients and also her own brother had suffered from demons that no one else could see, she had empathy for the blonde, no one would ever ask for something like this but even though she felt for the young adult in front of her she still had a duty to perform and if she let her feelings cloud her judgement it could be a grave mistake leading to possible death. She desperately wanted to help his boy in front of her, she felt a pull towards him, to want to save him.

"Naruto I have read the others notes on your admissions and I want to tell you I have to take them into consideration but I also want to help, more than anything I want to look out for your well being, I know you may not want to be admitted but I also need confirmation of your mental state at this moment" 

Naruto listened to the words, they sunk in one after another, he mulled over the words and decided the best course of action was to be open and honest, may be then he had a chance of getting out of here today.

"Okay.." He drew in a deep breath, his hands found one another and he gripped them tightly in front of him his fingers twitched and fumbled with the other tanned ones.

"At the moment I feel fine, as you have already read I have a demon inside of my mind, he does not leave me alone, after an episode I can usually resist him better and he seems to be sedated for now, he taunts me relentlessly but I can still manage to perform everyday tasks, I have built a wall after years and I rebuild that wall stronger every time he breaks through in the hopes one day he will just leave me the hell alone... I will willingly go back on medication to help the process of healing as they like to tell me... I need to know will I ever be normal?" The stormy blue eyes looked towards the older blondes and captured her eyes with his, he seemed so small right now, so vulnerable. She was saddened that he would feel this way but she knew all to well how he must be feeling she lived years with her brother but instead of dealing with his illness he swept it under the rug and it killed him. Her heart squeezed at the memory, it was still so raw after so many years but she saw hope in this young man in front of her, she believed that with the right support and medication he would be able to continue a happy, healthy life for himself. She wanted that for him so bad she almost wanted to weep for him.

"Naruto you must not think of yourself as not normal, you are just a different kind of normal, I believe that with the right measures taken you will be able to lead a happy life and if you let me I would like to help you achieve that together." The younger blonde blinked and then he felt his eyes well up, he couldn't believe the difference compared to all the other doctors that had spoken and assessed him, he thought just maybe this time he really would be on the road to recovery. A small smile reached his lips, so small it might have been missed but the doctor had seen it and in return a smile graced her plump lips.

"Now I know this wasn't a very long assessment but I do believe in you, I want to give you my numbers so you can reach me any time, so if you are feeling the pressure of anything you can speak to me, I am not going to be like every other doctor, I understand that helping people is a 24 hour job, usually the worst hours are early morning, now if I release you will you promise to call and keep safe?" His ocean eyes widens and were moist with unshed tears, he blinked a few times and let the words sink in completely, he nodded so fast and vigorously. He reached over and hugged her, she was shocked and smile a little wider, she knew this blonde would make it through the darkest storms with a smile on his face, well at least she hoped so.

Tsunade had left a while ago after they had spoken for another half an hour, she wrote down three phone numbers for the blonde to take with him in any time of need, he appreciated that a lot he wasn't sure if he would be able to reach out when something happened again but he had made a promise and Naruto Uzumaki never went back on his word.

He was lounging in the uncomfortable hospital bed waiting for Tsunade to come back and give him his release papers and medication, along with scripts for repeats. His arm was steadily increasing in pain and he could see some blood seeping through the bandages. He sighed and shook his head he still was so angry and disappointed in himself he had given into that demon again. Why, why did he always give in, even if it wasn't straight away eventually his mind wall came crumbling down and he lost himself amongst the chaos of his mind and thoughts. He was so involved in his self wallowing that he didn't notice his friend walk in.

"Naruto, are you okay?" Gaara knew it was a stupid questions as soon as it was spoken but he had no other words. He knew that his friend was not okay but in time he wished he would be okay. The blonde deserved so much better than what he had been dealt, his problems has arised from things he could not control, triggered by an event that he didn't think most people could over come. That with the mix of his genes just triggered an illness within him, it wasn't fair and he hated everyone that had hurt his friend. All the blonde wanted was to be happy and live his life, not be constantly scared when he was going to have the next episode or be so paranoid he couldn't even make new friends, have his shirt off in front of people, say what he really thought, all these barriers most people didn't have to face, it can take its toll after a while, make the mind more susceptible to the onslaught he had from his demon. Gaara was unsure how to help or if what he was doing was making it worse but he had been happy that Naruto had called him after he left that dickhead of an ex.

"I will be, I think" Gaara was caught off guard when the blonde spoke, he had been mixed up in his own mind. He nodded and a small smile appeared, Naruto was one of the only people that could make him smile. He just had an aura about him that drew people in even if he couldn't see it himself, he didn't have a psycho demon in his head, Gaara could imagine the blonde smiling all the time, surrounded by friends and genuinely enjoying his life. He realised how much of the others live this had effected and he felt as if the other had been cheated in life.

"I'm glad your coming home and don't worry I will be here for you" The blonde nodded no words could form at the moment, first Tsunade wanting to help him so much and now Gaara, he was already feeling a little stronger with the support but then the demon decided to sounds his voice.

_'you know they will just leave you in the end, you are just a burden on everyone they don't really want to help you but you are just such a pathetic puppy they can't help but want you to think they will help but then when you are not looking they will put you down life the dog you are..." _

The demons laugh pierced his mind, echoing off the walls of his brain, a tanned hand shot up to grip his blonde hair, he hated that sound more than anything. The laugh was truly terrifying it was like the demon was everywhere all at once, like at any moment he could take control and Naruto could never get it back. It was a horrible feeling and his head throbbed from the loud chuckling. He hit his head a few times to make the sound cease, after a while it calmed down and he forced a smile on his face to not ruin his chances of going home.

Within a few minutes Tsunade had come back with a bag of medication with scripts inside, papers in her hand holding the bag and a small plastic cup containing two pills, the blonde instantly knew they were his medication one was a long pink one that was to sedate him and the other was a small round green pill, helping to keep his mood level and stop being so erratic. He knew this combination was the only one that worked, he also had to take a small pink pill that was lower in dosage during the times he found his moods changing or the demon becoming very active. He reached for the pills and swallowed them with out water he had learned to take them without water a while ago, the few minutes it took to grab some water could mean the episode had started some of them were brought on so suddenly he only had time to blink while others were a steady decline into the darkness within himself.


	5. Chapter 5

A few days had passed since Naruto had been discharged from the hospital, he had mostly stayed in his room in bed, Gaara had knocked a few times and attempted a conversation with the silent blonde but he just received short answers, he was getting a little worried the blonde was never this quite. The red head was keeping an eye on the blonde as well, before the other had been released he had searched every room for things the blonde may use on himself, he knew that wasn't the answer but he did have to attend university and work sometime and that would mean Naruto would be left on his own it was more a safety precaution for his peace of mind.

Sasuke had stopped by once to just see how things were going, he had a conversation with Gaara well more like looks and a few short sentences but each of them understood each other well enough. Sasuke was a little freaked out to be honest, he had never been around someone that reacted in such away, sure his brother was loopy and annoying as they came but he was more dramatic and quick mood changes but more of the positive moods than the negative ones. Sasuke was so lost on what to do and considering he really didn't know the blonde much he just left it, he wasn't fantastic at making friends and being social but at the same time he knew not to be insensitive and ask questions about what had happened, he still hasn't got a great idea what had happened but he guessed in time if Naruto and himself were ever to become friends he would understand.

The blonde hadn't known he had stopped by because of his uncertainty of how he would react considering Sasuke felt more than a little responsible but he was again so unsure of what he had done to cause it but regardless he felt the way he felt. Being the way he was he didn't express this concern to anyone but Gaara some how understood his guilt, the other had tried to explain that it wasn't his fault and his blonde friend just saw the world differently compared to them, little things to everyone else seemed like world shattering events to him, so the people he were around had to be able to be sensitive to the way he was programmed. It made sense in the way he had explained but it was still difficult to comprehend, then he explained it as most people knew the sky as blue it was a well known fact but some people could see the sky as pink and that would be as normal to them as blue is to us.

The blonde lay there, his blue eyes looking lost and cloudy, he was bored and he was feeling so guilt and pathetic. The demon was beginning to talk quieter, it wasn't like a roar every time he spoke, now it was more like the normal volume of speaking, it still annoyed Naruto to no end that the fucker was still there, still in his head, messing with his fucking life. He shifted in his bed as his agitation grew, he couldn't take it any more, being cooped up inside, he knew he had his time in bed to wallow in self pity but now was the time to bounce back and try to build himself a life in Konoha. He flung the covers off himself and the quick rush of air alerted his senses of how bad he smelt he guessed not showering for three days and laying around would do that to someone, the first thing on his list shower and a change of clothes.

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After he had his shower he felt fresher than he had felt in days, this gave him a bit of confidence to try get his life back on track, it still amazed him how much a hot shower could really up lift him, it was so odd but at the same time taking care of ones self was the first lesson any therapist taught their clients, he shrugged his shoulders and took a deep breath. He faced the mirror now dressed in a bright orange t-shirt with a black outline of a fox designed onto the front, he loved this t-shirt he had a weird obsession with foxes, he just found then so cool and just free, like he had always wished to be. He wore simple blue jeans and his favourite orange converses, when he had found them he was so happy it was really the little things that made his day some times, people could honestly be such a let down.

He shook his head, his toothbrush in his mouth has he quickly finished and rinsed his mouth, he slowly looked up almost afraid of looking at himself in the mirror, he still had to have his arms bandaged during the day but he had to take them off to shower, he looked at his exposed arms, the angry swelling around the cuts had died a little, the stitchs still visible and a few had started bleeding again with dry blood around some of them as well, they looked so depressing so raw, his heart sank at the thought of more scars, more stories to make up, more weird looks he would get, the names he would be called.

"Fuck, I am so fucking stupid, why can't you just be fucking normal!"

He shouted at his own reflection, he was starting to become down again but it was so hard not to when the evidence of his failures were present on his arms ever mocking him that he was so pathetic, that he couldn't live a normal life and he couldn't take his own life. He was stuck living a half life, stuck between conflicting emotions and on any given day stuck on the thoughts of if it was all work it in the end. He sighed he was hoping the today he could start again but his wounds showed his downfall, his weakness. Water gathered in his eyes as he continued to sink into the black abyss it called his name seductively, it was a safe place, it closed around him like a safety blanket but it was deadly literally and metaphorically. It beckoned him but it crushed him as it had him in it's grasp. A shivered ran down his spine, a tear broke the barrier and slid down his defeated looking face. It was hard facing your true self in the mirror, it was hard being constantly reminded of your mistakes, of your flaws.

He angrily wiped the trail away and stared himself in the eye, his eyes had grown darker as his mood shifted more into the anger.

"I will NOT fuck myself up today, I WILL enrol in Konoha University, I WILL" He had shouted and emphasised the words so that hopefully it would kick start his drive to live and actually be apart of society. With this he turned away he heard the terrifying chuckling but he blocked it out in rare moments like these he was able to push the beast into the back of his mind, it may not last long but every time he accomplished it he felt a little bit stronger than before. He grabbed his things as his eyes looked around his dark room, he walked to the window and open the curtains in one swoop, the sun shone heating his face, making his warm inside, the suns rays gave him a little more hope that today he would try harder, be better, become Naruto.

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Gaara had decided to join him to show him where everything in Konoha was and Naruto was grateful for that he hated driving around when he didn't know, he easy become distressed when being lost, many times he would begin to cry and scream at himself, so he avoided that situation as much as possible. The pair hadn't spoken much, Gaara was just happy that his friend was out of his dark, stinky room it was amazing how much a room could smell after three days. He made light conversation to not make things awkward but also didn't dive deeper he was afraid if he pushed the other he would clam up and become a hermit in his room again. So they drove in mostly silence the break in silence being Gaara saying directions to the University.

The blonde grew tired of the silence so he played music, he wanted to uplifted, not many people understood his inspiration from hardcore/metal core bands but the lyrics were what made the song if people didn't like the screaming then too bad for them. The beginnings of a songs started to play through the speakers and the blonde held a small smile as the singer began to sing.

'_Dearest love,  
I hope this message finds you well  
As these endless thoughts drip from my soul  
Every single word secretly paints a fairytale'_

The blonde sung along to the words he had listened to his songs so many times, he was a big fan of music the lyrics just expressed so much he was just not able to. His mood started to pick up again his he let his pain flow through his singing along to the song, the screaming part came up and he still tried to sing along, the screamed released an anger and sadness inside him, it leaked through himself when he was singing, afterwards he always felt lighter than before he had started.

The song continued to flow through the car as the blonde sung along to the words perfectly, Gaara sat there in amazement he would like to have heard his friend without the music but even now he could tell the blonde was a good singer, his friend had always been creative and artistic. He almost fit the stereotype of most emotionally distressed people but at the same time he didn't fit into the stereotype either, he was a walking contradiction of himself, his appearance was bright and warm while inside was darkness latching on where the light was, seeking to destroy all the light so that all was left was the endless black.

_'was this all a lie?' _

Naruto sung this part with such emotion he had his ex boyfriend on his mind, it was all a fucking lie, he lied to him, he gritted his teeth and got his frustrations out with the music. He screamed so loud and heavy that as the song finished he was left panting but he felt the lighter feeling was over him as the darkness was kept at bay.

His phone chose that moment to ring but he ignored it just like every other time his pretty much only friend was sitting in the car and the only other person who rang him recently was Neji, so he swiped to ignore it and continued driving, he made small talk with Gaara and his mood continued to increase.

They arrived at the university and they both exited the car they made their way to the faculty building, Naruto was studying teaching at his other university but he decided that teaching just was not for him unfortunately. Teaching was more about theories than about the actual students and he hated that. He knew he wanted to work with people but he wasn't sure what he wanted to study. The reached the place they needed to be and quickly spoke to the lady behind the desk to ask for the transfer papers and to set up a time with the dean to complete the transfer process.

They managed to complete that task rather quickly the dean was a business like man, brown hair and green eyes, pale skin and pretty ordinary looking. He had decided to accept Naruto, even though he had phone calls to make, he looked over his unit markings asked a few questions and then allowed him to leave. The blonde quickly filled out all the paper work before they left handing it to the nice red head behind the desk she took then with a smile and then bid them a goodbye.

As the two companions walked out of the university grounds Gaara broke the silence.

"Naruto want to grab lunch" Naruto thought it over and nodded, he wasn't in the talking mood, he felt his phone vibrate against his thigh, he slipped it out and looked at the screen he only saw half the message.

'Naruto, baby I love you please come home I will do anything...' The message made his heart ache at the loss of not having Neji, the guy was a drug addict and a prick but at the same time Naruto had loved him with all of his heart and now his heart felt damaged, broken and he was not sure how much more heart break he could take, most of his life he had been used and tossed away, more than anything he wished someone would love him but then who would love a fucked up mess like him, the demon did not make it easy in the least, he thought briefly back to his boyfriend when he was 15, he had discovered he was gay only a few months ago, it had been mostly accepted within his few friends and well he didn't really have a family so that didn't matter too much. Gaara had accepted him with open arms, most people thought the two best friends would end up together they had always been so close. His boyfriend at the time had been one of those primary school ones, Naruto being so timid and so inexperienced shied away from a lot of the advances, mainly holding hands and kissing on the lips it took him a while to warm up to the idea of kissing with tongues but he managed to get there.

He remembered the day he had lost it, its mostly a story full of holes and lost time all he knew was he had hurt the other really badly after he had touched him in a certain place and begun to be forceful about taking the relationship to a more physical direction. The blonde had just lost it a memory was triggered, the demon attacked him until he could no longer control his actions, he sat on the sidelines in darkness as his hands hurt the other. That was the one of scariest and bleakest days of his young life, he had visited the boy and apologised, crying, begging for him to understand but instead the boy lashed out viciously assaulting him just as Naruto had, it was revenge after that Naruto had stayed away from most people and they stayed away from him. Gaara was there to pick up the pieces but a crack formed on his heart then grew bigger each time.

Gaara did feel a great pain for the boy he understood as much as he could about Naruto's illness, how his mind operated he had been one of his only friends to remain not only that he sought out information and answers anything to help him understand and try to help him in any way he could but unfortunately it was not that easy. It was so delicate of a situation, he was warned to stay away from the blonde when he became volatile, he would not recognise his friends or anyone, so to make sure he was not injured. Many times Gaara did not heed that warning, he jumped in countless times to help the blonde, to pin him down to stop him from hurting himself, or others, he had even cut the belt that Naruto had tried to hang himself with. Gaara was luckily not a weak person, he took this in his stride and promised himself that he would help the blonde as much as he could.

They were so close and then Naruto had fell in with another group of people, he met the dickhead with that group of people, they seemed to never judge Naruto and made him feel happy, mostly because majority of them were out of their minds on some form of drug or alcohol so they really didn't care that much. Neji had sucked Naruto in with his kind words, his addictive smile and his safety, these were all illusions the relationship had formed quickly and Naruto had latched onto him with tooth and nail. Not long into the relationship Naruto had been so 'in love' and had missed the other boy terribly he couldn't stand to be away from him so he had moved to his town.

They found a house together and were on their way to starting a life, except the drugs got worse, nothing changed, the abuse started, Naruto lost all contact with friends and everyone. Gaara was unsure how much had happened in the last few years with the blonde he seemed different but to what extent he didn't know. He guessed that in time Naruto would open up to him again or so he hoped.

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The two decided to grab lunch in a nice looking cafe on the other side of town, Gaara quite liked this cafe because it was quite and had a delicious menu. They sat on a table near the back and just browsed at the menu, the blonde seemed distant ever since he had looked at his phone. Tanned fingers table the table top as he read the menu, teal eyes glued onto the nimble fingers tapping, his eyes flicked back to the menu, they moved to the blonde then to the menu.

He watched as the blonde slid out his phone, looking at the screen he saw his normally sparkling blue eyes darken with clouds of anger, as his hand aggressively swiping the answer button, his non existent eyebrows furrowed in confusion, it was soon morphed into one of fury as he heard Naruto speak.

"What the hell do you want Neji, Stop calling me for fuck sakes" Naruto probably shouldn't of answered the call but he was getting so aggravated about the missed calls the constant text messages, not only that the last message got to him and he hated it, he hated how much the man on the other end of the phone controlled him.

Gaara couldn't hear the other end of the phone call, so he chose this moment to speak up, he couldn't watch his friend hurt himself over that piece of trash, he had given him enough chances, enough of himself and enough of everything. This had to stop.

"Naruto hang up the phone now" Naruto looked at Gaara with an expression that looked close to scared but he was confused at the expression, he could faintly hear yelling through the phone, Naruto had turned down the volume.

"Neji, I do not have a new boyfriend, for fuck sakes, I am allowed to have friends, you do not control me or fucking dictate what I can and fucking can't do, it's over, stop calling me" Naruto tried to keep his voice down but his emotions were slowly bubbling over, he was close to snapping, all the pain was rising to the surface, mixed with anger, betrayal, sadness, a sense of loss, the emotions were going to become to much, just when all this was happening the blonde was battling his demon.

_'You will never find anyone that loves you, you deserve to punished you worthless piece of trash, you know you like it you little slut' _

The blonde stopped everything all together, he clenched his eyes shut as his breathing became laboured, his teeth gritting painfully against one another, his head pounded ferociously, his heart thumping uncontrollably. The phone was gripped painfully in his hand as his other fist closed so tightly it shook. Gaara looked on and knew what was coming, he panicked this couldn't happen again Naruto just sorted out his university life in Konoha he couldn't stand back and watch as he destroyed himself and his life. He pushed his chair back and stood, quickly stepping towards the blonde, he pulled the phone out of the blondes hands. He brought it up to his mouth and ear.

"Neji if you ever call Naruto again, I will fucking end you..." before the other had a chance to respond he ended the call, his next task was to try to calm the blonde before him. He squat down, he knew that being above him would only make matters worse, he would feel overpowered and want to lash out. He slowly reached for his hands and tried to straighten them out.

"Naruto, listen to me, Neji can't hurt you any more, I'm here, look at me" He was pleading and he would never do this for anyone else but the person in front of him, he was special. He continued to rub soothing strokes up thin tanned arms, careful to not aggravate his still fresh wounds. He was silently plotting how to end that fucking asshole, he was sick of it, he ruined his friends life for years just has he became free he comes crawling back like every other time. It was like he couldn't bare the thought of any one else having him but treated him like shit, he had a suspicion that this dickhead probably cheated on him.

"Naruto please, I am here, talk to me"

"I can't, it hurts" Gaara reached into his pocket grabbing the supply of the smaller pink pills he carried, just in case, he popped on and urged Naruto to take it. With shaking hands he reached for it, failed to grab it the first time but managed on the second attempt, he dropped it into his mouth and tried to swallow only realising his mouth had gone dry, the red head rushed over to the water tank they keep for customers and quickly pouring a glass, he rushed back and nearly threw it into the blondes hands, he knew how delicate and timely a situation like this was. The blonde grabbed it and drained the contents, the pill easily sliding down his now lubricated throat, the seconds ticked by. Tanned hands grabbed his blonde hair in clumps. Five minutes ticked by so slowly, his breath begun to even out, his hands still clenched but slowly opening and holding on less. His hand removed themselves and fell down by his sides the lay there limp, unmoving. His eyes remained closed for a bit before they opened and blinked quickly adjusting to the rooms light. His eyes looked over to his friend his gratefulness evident. The redhead just nodded and moved to sit down. He understood the need for some space straight after situations like this arose. He claimed his own chair again and looked around he was grateful they were the only customers in the cafe at this time, the staff seemed to busy except for the waitress. He just noticed it was a girl from his high school he had never liked her then, she was too obsessive and loud.

"Sakura..."


End file.
